You only live once. Go talk to that gorgeous person… ask them for their phone number, steal their identity, buy yourself a big screen TV
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God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
I lost my car chapstick so I’ll have to replace it with purse chapstick and I’ll replace purse chapstick with kitchen chapstick and I’ll replace that with bathroom chapstick and then that moves the bedroom chapstick…
I’m never going to recover from this.
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
How fast is milk?
It’s pasteurised your eyes before you know it….
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
Fixed this for Shakespeare
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Thinking about switching my books to a freemium model. I could give away the basic version but charge extra for fun bonus features like plot, characters, and vowels.