Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.

Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”

If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?

People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.

Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.

Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter

[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!

[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!

We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.

Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.

Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.

i wish there was a way to online shoplift 🙁

11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.

11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.

11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.

What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?

I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza

Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned

If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!

It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.

Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work

Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over

ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands

WIFE: At the same time

THERAPIST: In sync?

TOGETHER: *screams*

Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!

Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.

My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.

went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”

A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.

Reasons my toddlers cried this weekend:

-It stopped raining outside
-My wife asked them if they wanted to go to the playground
-I took the “wrong” bite of my sandwich
-I helped my 4 y/o for to many minutes

God: [making trees]

Trees: yay

God: [making beavers]

Trees: nonononono

White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it

Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?

Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.

Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.

My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.