You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
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“You block people over politics?” I’ll block people if they say something too mean about a Muppet
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
Her: I bet he’s thinking about other women
Him: If you drink a lot of beer, you get a beer gut. If you smoke a lot of weed, you get a pot belly. Haha I’m hilarious
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
no such thing as a dumb question
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
Cool shirt 🙂
I received a bank alert text for suspicious activity. I was buying fruit.
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
There’s a mirror on marketplace and the listing says “never used” like what do you mean???
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
Terminator vs Alien vs Predator vs Robocop vs a toddler who hasn’t had a nap.
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
is he marrying that labradoodle
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
Me waiting for the signs to change to “up to 75% off” at the Party City store that’s closing by our house.
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome