Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[ I am abducted by aliens ]

alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different

me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR

Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?

Laundry:

Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days

Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me

I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.

Win every argument by producing a cute puppy from your pocket every time your opponent agrees with you and putting it away sadly whenever they don’t.

ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.

THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.

ME: Show your enemy two quarters.

Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.

I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.

Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.

My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.

Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.

Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.

[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him

[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex

Me: He’s crowning!

King Charles: please don’t say it like that.

Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:

HDMI

Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way

Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.

Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.

Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.

Names the boat Hell Sinky.

My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.

born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”

When I was a kid this either meant you better run for your life or it was spaghetti night.

We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.

What I say:

Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the car

What my kids hear:

Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop

Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.

My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.

*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic

HER: yes

ME: cool see u tonight