Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.

Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”

Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.

I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.

Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.

I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.

[ interview at funeral home ]

director: are you ok being around death

me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes

when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”

when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”

How are you?

“Yeah, not bad” <– normal person

“Yeah, pretty good actually” <– show off

I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.

Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.

My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”

………. she’s my 3rd kid.

Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.

Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?

Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*

Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May

Me: Here you go.

Her: WTF?

Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.

Her: I said gelatin mold!

Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*

My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.

“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”

Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.

In that case, silence is very very suspicious!

Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.

My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended

Lmao 😁

i can’t wait that long

Why do cows wear bells?

Because their horns don’t work

My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.

Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me

Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.

Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect

Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit

I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.