You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
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GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
I watered a hanging plant on my porch and now have one very pissed off bird I had no idea was nesting there.
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
You know when you tap the You Tube video to see how much longer it has left…I wish I can do that with people when they are talking to me
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.