The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
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I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
I got bills
They’re multiplying