me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
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“just sayin” who asked you though?
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
A family that plays together cheats.
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.