Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.

[Driving home from restaurant]

WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”

federal employees putting floppy discs into their work computers from 1996 and watching people accuse the government of having the technology to create hurricanes

We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.

[Christmas dinner]

Me [serving guests]: More ramen?

My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.

Some people were born into their job.

Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.

Now, I don’t even walk into the right room

“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times

Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.

Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”

just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father

Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.

Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.

And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?

Drive thru cashier:

“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER

You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?

There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.

Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?

Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”

Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?

Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-

Some guy: Be rich?

Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it

*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN

I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”

Me: *scrunches my face*

13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.

Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.

James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?

Therapist: That is how these things usually work.

Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!

Me: Good luck with that.

(4am)

Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.

Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.

Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.

I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.

I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.

A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.