You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
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Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
No one is more surprised than my kids every night when i say it’s bed time.
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
I had a medical student join me on NICU recently and they asked me if they’d be able to take any patient histories.
I mean if they’d have managed to take any histories from any of the nicu babies I would have been seriously impressed.
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
This did not end as expected.
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
My mom came out of light anesthesia just now and she’s yelling about how nice and thick my hair is, hey I’ll take the compliments where I can get them
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
“Sheer Arrogance”
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further