You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
Welcome to your 40s.
If you don’t have a back pain, one will be assigned to you.
we squint at the sun because it’s bright
we squint at people because they are not…
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
Breaking news:
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
