Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”

You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.

-me giving holiday hosting advice

Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up

Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?

your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out

Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.

Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?

GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.

Me, after a minor inconvenience:

My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.

I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors

Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”

To which I replied: “a camera.”

If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga

I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.

I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”

What a weirdo.

*sleeping*

Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE

If you drink enough tequila you’re just an open bar for vampires

Jesus steals the winter solstice

I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..

I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.

Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.

I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.

*checks my phone to see what time it is*

[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*

[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*

Red light : Stop

Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution

Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go

Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.

I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.

The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.

*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*

Sign: Drive like your kids live here!

Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*

when i worked in an office i had an ’emergency google sheet’ that i kept open in a tab all day and if my boss walked by i’d switch to it from twitter and enter 69s and 420s in its cells with a look of great seriousness on my face

[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.

“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened

Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.