You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
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My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
turning a backwards chair forwards and sitting down normally to let my students know I have no interest in relating to them
If I was a marriage counselor, I would make the couple each use ANY dating app for 2 minutes.
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
keeping a picture of my bed in a locket around my neck and staring at it longingly on my lunch break
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.