Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”

[before sex]

her: can u put something on

me: sure

her: is that just the jeopardy theme song

me: no

her:

me: it’s the whole episode

Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…

“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.

Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.

One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes

[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]

Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.

[playing 7 minutes in heaven]

doctor: ok lol plug him back in now

*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill

According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying

That is some bullshit

hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”

… when can I look forward to that starting?

What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?

Bars, they’re called bars

I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car

The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff

I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.

the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit

Roses are red,
Daisies are free.

I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.

Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again

Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.

I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.

It’s for plane enthusiasts.

What were you thinking?

God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!

WIFE: you need to stick to your budget

ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen

Call any time! *terms and conditions apply

Carpenter Ants: Very industrious

Army Ants: Extra militant

Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes

[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospital

son: is it because she works there as a doctor?

me: *long pause* yes

son: stop doing this

if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point

It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.

(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.

911: What’s your emergency?

Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.

911: How did he die?

Me: It must’ve been something I said.

I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.