you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
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[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
Me, abandoning the call I’m making after two unanswered rings: “well, I tried my absolute best to reach them, not sure what more I could’ve done”
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
Me: Is the red one cherry or strawberry?
Morpheus: That honestly should not matter right now
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
They should make a moral fiber supplement
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
My kids, after they’ve said they’re full, “but our dessert stomach is empty!”
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
I’m having an out of money experience.
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
*pronounces surface like Versace*
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.