you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
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If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!