Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
– You pay more attention to the TV than you do me!
– Ma’am, do you want me to fix your cable or not?
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The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
Don’t judge. Maybe I’m conducting a study of the effects of prolonged laziness on a human body. You don’t know.
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
Two wrongs don’t make a right.
And two half-wits don’t make a wit.
“Is your refrigerator running?”
“Hasn’t decided yet,” I say, winking at my refrigerator & hanging up. A “FRIDGE 2016” banner hangs above him
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
Parenting is hard.
Nothing keeps you humble quite like Saran Wrap.