My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
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EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
I hope this email finds you in a well
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight