Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”

the saddest jazz hands ever

whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese

If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman

If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.

spot the difference

[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*

Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?

Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac

So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.

cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller

detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today

I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.

[at Super Bowl party]

Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK

Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow

Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON

I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective

Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.

When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.

Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.

[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]

Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.

-Bowser K.

Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks

god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast

angel: and so wild

god: only a lunatic would ride one

angel: are you—

god: —ima make a lunatic

I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.

Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test

Detainee: I mean ok

Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest

ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.

Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.

Came out pretty well.

Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe

Bus driver: I really don’t care

[first date]

ME: How do you spend your free time?

HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?

ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.

[first day as a pilot]

control tower: what are your coordinates

me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion

control tower: can you be more specific

me: simba

[Last day in prison]

*Walks up to the biggest guy*

Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.

Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.

We have great news. We’re pregnant!

-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?

Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?

Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.