You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
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Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
A visual representation of how much I think countries look like a chicken nugget. More green = more nuggety.
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
Men, it’s really simple. We want everything, but nothing, at the same time or different times, sometimes but not always.
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
choose your fighter
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
