You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
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Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
Today I learned when you check into a Doubletree they greet you with a freshly made chocolate chip cookie from the cookie warming drawer behind the check-in desk, and if some giant soulless corporate conglomerate thinks they can bribe me with a cookie they are five huge stars
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
I triple waxed for this?
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!