You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
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Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
Just saved 2 bytes on my 250GB hard drive by refactoring one line code. Finally starting to understand what minimalism feels like.
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.