You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
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The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
Extremely relatable.
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
Interior designer.
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
Me: Siri set an alarm for 5am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
And now we wait
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.