You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
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The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
Tapped in
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
There should be a place that rents baby goats out by the hour to come over and maintain your lawn
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot