Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.

I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.

having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you

me: will I go to jail in the future

psychic: no

me: gimme your wallet and empty the register

Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.

I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?

Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?

A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.

3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦

Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire

Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.

Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.

I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.

[blind date]

Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.

Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*

Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?

There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.

I love greens, but not in a sexual way

Platonic salads, so to speak

*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”

roman: how will we know which one is jesus

judas: imma kiss him

roman: why

judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right

whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”

Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.

Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.

*hands you baby*

Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.

I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways

My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.

If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too

I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know

Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.

hate the questions they ask you when you go through customs. “do you have any friends in canada” no bro and why are you rubbing it in

Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…

.. Except at my house.

mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*

People pay for feet pics on the internet

Bigfoot: I’m listening