You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
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A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
Those are good neighbors.
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
I’m eating sandwiches you haven’t heard of in jeans you can’t pronounce
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
Publisher: You have a good story here, but I hate the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
My grandfather poured his blood, sweat and tears into his career.
Amazing man. Horrible chef.