You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
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My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
My newest way to win marital arguments is to interrupt and say “as your legal counsel” and then state my point. It hasn’t worked yet and seems to make him madder but I think with the right amount of persistence I’ll crack the code.
there are people who know when to reply all and when not to reply all and none of them work at your company
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
Me: I’m Absolutely broke
State of the art tech advertisers who know every single detail of my life: She needs the nicest most expensive bag ever! Oh and Taylor Swift tickets, at 3 times the original price!
#wtfuture
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.