You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
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“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
Here’s a meme
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
Tequila should come with a label saying “this may cause you to pick trash off the interstate in an orange jumpsuit on the weekends.”
Foolproof? Yeah, well we’ll see about that
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.