Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can remember all the lyrics to “Bohemian Rhapsody” but cannot remember a 15 character tweet while exiting the shower.

KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.

the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.

what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.

VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?

When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.

My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.

Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present

Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours

Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal

me: let’s do the sexy time!

wife: did you get your chores done?

me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum

Bobby pin

[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago

I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.

Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”

I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?

If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.

people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up

Don’t let hippos sniff mopeds
Or a deer chew your bike
Hide big wheels from gators
They know what they like
Geese love to rub rowboats
Ducks will tickle your van
Rabbits snuggle with tractors
Whenever they can
Squirrels smooch skateboards
If a door’s left ajar
And whatever you do

So many true crime podcasts are just like “a young woman went missing, the police took a week to respond, she was last seen with a man the community call Creepy Murdery Steve, he has never been questioned”

family: we’re having ground turkey this year

me: okay but how do you know that turkey couldn’t fly

me: are you ready for halloween?

friend: yes!

me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic

friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*

Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?

Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?

CEO: Genius!

Paranormal investigator: “Who’s there?”

Gen X ghost: “Your mom.”

Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.

Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.

“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”

Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?

My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!

If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.

Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring

Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!

besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?

netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.