You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
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[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
umm…
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
well well well if it isn’t the bridge I said i’d cross when I came to it
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…