You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
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I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
buys donuts instead
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
2024 me decided not to take today as a holiday.
2025 me is pissed off about it.
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
This kid is going places
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.