Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.

[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?

There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly

I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email

after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion

Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.

Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.

“Huh?” – Wonder Woman

You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …

But I won’t.

If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…

It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!

[first day working for IKEA]

Customer: one nightstand please

Me: sorry, I’m married

I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.

When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.

My mama didn’t raise no fool.

Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.

My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny

My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.

I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.

My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.

Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.

This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.

Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me

You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean

*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*

Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.

Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.

Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting

I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.

Daylight savings is not enough. You need to be daylight investing.

sometimes i miss this memes

This water sounds like a sexually transmitted infection you get from a gentle breeze blowing up your shorts.

[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy