You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
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Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho