Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed

You ever been talking to a genuinely stupid person and think “good for him. You know what keeps this guy up at night? Not a God damn thing”

[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]

Date: The wine is lovely great choice

Me: *helplessly slips off chair*

her: did you wrestle in high school?

me: do my emotions count?

“A wine please”

“Sir, this is McDonalds…”

“Okay, a McWine please”

*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*

Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”

My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.

And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.

my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated

[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*

getting seasonal up in here

returning to work after a holiday weekend like

I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”

UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!

Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.

One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.

After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.

I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.

Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear

Here, let me loosen those morals for you.

why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?

I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.

Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.

I’ve been experiencing nonstop targeted ads for Spanx, and Skims, and various other types of girdles, so which AI engineer woke up and chose violence today?

I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.

Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.

*washing motorcycle with my shirt off

*cops show up

Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle

This was the best day of my life

Still my favorite television listing of all time:

All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.

My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA