You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?

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Heard someone died from eating a meal that wasn’t Instagrammed.


Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.


Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda


Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.


Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.

Me: Neither are you.

Zen master: Oh bugger.


A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.


a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats


In biblical times, I would have given your dad so many goats for you.


Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.