You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
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I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
also check out:
hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
Dune (2021)
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
The 6 types of sex
How animals would run if they were human
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.