You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
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Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
paramedic: [shining light into my eyes] what’s the last thing you remember
me: the question you just asked
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
“Oh I’d love to but I can’t”
Translation: I don’t want to so I won’t.
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
I just tested negative for patience.
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
told my gf that i’m “really into getting itchy lately” and that i am “low key in my itchy era” but it turns out i was having an allergic reaction
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.