You piss on someone’s couch one time, and they never let you forget
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My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
I don’t actually have to be rich I just need access to the parallel universe where I already am rich and just borrow money from me. What am I gonna say no? I wouldn’t, but that’s just me and sometimes I surprise myself.
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
Asked my mom what her birthday plans were and she told me she’s disappointed In me bc I don’t have a wife?? 💔
Correlation???
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
Found the job I’m suited for
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
Do one thing every day that scares people.