You piss on someone’s couch one time, and they never let you forget
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Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
#ProTip
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
Date night is paying someone $120 to have fun with your kids so you can argue with your spouse in peace.
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.