Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Houston we … are fine.”

Female astronaut probably

Does anything good ever escape from a lab

Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.

I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.

Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?

Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.

drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?

me: haha no thanks i need you to make it

Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.

Me: And her parents are OK with this?

“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”

screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks

what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks

Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-

Shrek + Akira = Shakira???

5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”

Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it

5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”

Somebody call the cops.

11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?

ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter

11: so we’re poor

M: yes

We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.

Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot

And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?

Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.

Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.

Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]

For being the most motivated sperm,

Some of us have really tapered off.

*boyfriend calls girlfriend*

Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”

Gf: “we’re breaking up”

Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”

*hears someone breaking into my house*

Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!

Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?

Rhino: What’s in it for me?

Bird: I’ll warn you of danger

Rhino: I don’t have predators

Bird:

Rhino:

Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening

11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?

Me: no more YouTube before bed.

He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave

Me: *wolf whistles*

[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho

“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”

~me, when I can’t open the cheese