You piss on someone’s couch one time, and they never let you forget
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Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
Dudes who flirt on LinkedIn are like “That pickup line really backfired on Tinder so I’m going to try that again and include my entire work history”
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
I started the day with a migraine, and I ended it by watching the debate. One of those was the most painful 90 minutes of my day. The other was a migraine.
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
you can lead a squid to water but you can’t make it ink
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
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