you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
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I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
181.
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
guys I’m going home
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
Namaste
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year