You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
You Might Also Like
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
but if i put my laundry away, the laundry chair will be out of a job
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*