Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.

I saw a woman dressed like this today and I knew I had to draw her

my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?

me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one

“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”

I’m gonna need a lot more than that.

“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”

People that don’t know how cake
works.

You Matter.

Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.

Then you Energy.

I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs

“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”

Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea

Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.

Be the reason why your local woods are haunted

There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”

David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.

Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row

My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.

I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference

twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers

Her: See ya later alligator!

Me: *slithers into swamp*

I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?

Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.

Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.

Bumping into someone you know more than once in the same supermarket visit…

Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it

“We really must stop meeting like this!”

When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.

Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.

Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.

Me: And your point is…?

[first day as astronaut]

*vomits

Me: That’s normal, right?

Instructor: Not during a written exam, no

Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.

Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*

I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…

Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.