You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
You Might Also Like
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.