You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
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[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
Maybe the Grinch would be nicer if someone wasn’t singing songs about what a piece of shit he is every 7 minutes
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.