You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
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Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box