You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
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Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
phew
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.