Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster

Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?

Therapist: So what’s the problem?

Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.

Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.

*lowers foot that was raised*

Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.

I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?

it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”

“threw em out” you shrug

you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”

“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”

I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.

*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*

Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.

“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened

Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.

Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?

I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.

Me: I never use essential oils

Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire

Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.

“That’s what” – She

Ummm

Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?

Me: I was only going one way…

When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.

Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.

Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.

Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?

My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.

Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.

I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.

“Are the cops gone?”
“Yeah.”
“Thanks buddy, I owe you one.”

Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”

Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”

*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”

I don’t hate you, but I hope you meet someone just as nice as you that returns your favors.

(watching Simone Biles do 100 flips) I could do that.. for the right paycheck

If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee

Me: [trying to put on pants]

Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?