You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
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If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
[Robbery]
– Give me everything you have!
– I’ve only got this defective set of scales.
– Just hand it over!
– You’ll never get a weigh with this.
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume that he’s either a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy