Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down

I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.

You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.

Tomato, Tomahto

Get in the van.

LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.

You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.

Biden: Trump’s sons were nice

Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day

B: Uday and Qusay?

I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.

Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.

Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.

I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point

Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?

“What? Why?”

It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..

“It’s OUR wedding!”

Produce goes bad three times faster when you’re the one who paid for it. It’s science!

Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed

[listening to twenty one pilots]

ME: ok ok one at a time

*hears recording of my voice*

Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?

Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.

I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”

To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it

Can I donate fat instead of blood?

9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.

Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.

[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]

“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”

Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.

Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?

Me: that’s bananas.

Her: What are you thinking about right now?

Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss

I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.

Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.

Being a baby must be scary, imagine sleeping at home & you wake up at TJMAXX

[drive thru window]

toddler: can I say hi?

me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*

toddler: two milkshakes please

Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.