Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.

If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.

HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan

Frozen french fry bag: Heat to an internal temperature of 160°f

Me: k, I’ll check for sure

Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!

me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?

I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble

-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again

My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.

I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.

People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.

[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?

if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u

Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, I’m never sending you nudes again.

They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…

that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.

Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.

Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?

I stood for an entire general admission concert at age 46, will my prize be mailed to me or…

Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?

*holds out hands*

Me: I brought you a box of donut.

Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?

It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.

Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?

If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.

My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.

My dad was diagnosed with ornamental iron deficiency. He’s supposed to lick a metal handrail twice a day. I honestly feel doctors are just making things up.

I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…

Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.

learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”

No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.

[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay

[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.

Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?

In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)