“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
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I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
Did a trash talking tree write this?
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser