“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
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So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
If it hurts you more than it hurts them then you are holding the taser wrong
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
they should create new variants of dopamine
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.