“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
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My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
pain
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
Monopoly gave me unrealistic expectations of how easy it would be to:
1) Find free parking
2) Join the property ladder
3) Buy my way out of prison
4) Get bank errors in my favour
5) Steal money from banks when no-one was looking
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.