Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.

date: i love that you know about plots of land

me: thanks that means a lot

“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.

My astrological sign is KFC gravy

“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”

My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.

I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.

Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”

Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.

Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.

[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree

A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?

I treat people the way I want to be treated by not leaving the house.

gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”

“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”

“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”

im a single issue voter and this is my issue

Sister: You need more friends

Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me

Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven

Me: Haha that is classic Carol

While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.

Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)

thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres

asking my bank if i can do extra credit

The Nobel Prizes are being announced this week, and once again, I have been snubbed. I’m starting to think they don’t even have a Nobel Prize in little internet jokes.

The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.

I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.

Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag

Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?

Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.

When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.

Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you

NETFLIX: Skip intro?

ME: Yes.

NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.

ME: Should…should I not skip it?

NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.

ME: Okay, skip intro.

NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.

Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.

hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.