You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
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i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
My husband asked me offhandedly if he had any annoying habits then got fucking offended during the PowerPoint presentation
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
tourist season
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.