‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
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Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
why is john fetterman calling brian williams from the blair witch corner
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
My 7 year old asked me if I’ve ever experienced hallucinations, which is an odd thing to ask considering I don’t have any kids.
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
The eta apple maps gives you when your driving somewhere is based on how long it would take to get there if the world had one car and it was all yours
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?