You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
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Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
ah yes….my favourite videogame
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
my friend taps me on the shoulder and whispers “you might not think your face conveys how much you hate this, but i need you to know it does”
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
Me: If we have a second date I’ll give you flowers
Her: Orchids?
Me: It’s a bit early for children, Sharon
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray