Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“snitches get stitches”

Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997

i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses

My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.

I sold their house.

If cooking blogs were tweets:

Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!

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It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia

I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.

Husband: Quick. What’s this song?

Me: Awful.

Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)

“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”

Got upgraded to first class for the first time ever and it’s CRAZY. Free booze and brunch. Bigger TVs. Comfy seats with tons of room. An extra page in the safety manual that says in the case of a crash landing we’re entitled to eat the passengers in coach

My neighbors don’t appreciate the vital service that I provide (being first on the walking trail every morning and therefore taking out all the spiderwebs with my face)

When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted

You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby

Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery

My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.

My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.

If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:

– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito

[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend

What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.

[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]

Me: it’s a little cold 😤

Fun like a LinkedIn notification

Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.

my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”

What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it

[after a vasectomy] do i get the cone

Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.

therapist: what do you see?

me: Snoopy

therapist: this one?

me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football

therapist: I see, and now?

me: Lucy moved the ball

therapist: wtf this is the wrong book

Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos

One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.

*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*