‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
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If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
Me *jumps from one existential crisis to another*: Parkour!
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.