‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
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if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
Existential crisis becomes ex’s tinsel crisis, when Christmas is involved
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
Smells like a challenge to me
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
My right ear is so swollen from poison ivy that I can barely hear the kids fighting and yelling so [vigorously rubs poison ivy leaves inside left ear]
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
[On the phone]
Friend: I have news. Are you sitting down?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No.
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
Breaking: Nate Silver Predicts That If the Election Were Held Today, It Would Most Likely Be Due to Some Kind of Serious Administrative Error
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.