‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
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Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides