Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[working in garage]

“Hand me a screwdriver, son”

A flat one?

“No”

[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go

Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.

[later]

Me:

Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything

is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner

I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.

Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.

My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT

I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.

“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”

“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”

I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.

Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.

until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity

Interior design 👌

wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands

Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.

Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.

Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.

Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice

Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.

Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.

acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life

unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life

My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee

Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.

As the best book lists of 2021 drop

woman on a first date: [pointing to her plate] i don’t think i ordered this.
her date, who comes from a dimension where they only talk like foghorn leghorn: this waiter, i say, this waiter’s about as sharp as a sack of wet mice.

Shout out to everyone who cooks at 180°C for 20 minutes, no matter what the instructions say.

If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.

Wife: We need to talk

Me, absolutely panicking: What

Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter

ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.