“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
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wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
Choose your fighter
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
Somebody’s lying.
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
i got 4 brain cells and they’re the Madagascar penguins
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
this makes me so uncomfortable
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!