“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
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Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
When life hands you women, make women laid.
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
Diabetes: you’re my type.
Me: you’re my type 2
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
This dad at the mall is confidently pushing an empty stroller like “I’ve got this” and there’s a toddler 20 feet behind trying to catch up
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
Yesterday I wore something from 10 years ago that actually fit…It was a scarf but still
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.