“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
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Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
[making small talk with a new parent] so are you planning on raising them good or bad?
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.