You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
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Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
At least I can say I tried. I didn’t try, but I can say I did.
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
there are only 2 kinds of mayors: the kind you hate for ruining your city and your job and your life. and dogs
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
A game married people play.
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over