You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
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[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
Netflix: We have Less
It’s the weekend y’all
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
Breakups are hard but have you ever been disappointed in the food you ordered
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.