Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming

A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.

The good witch: are you a good witch or a bad witch?

Dorothy: I’ve never heard of a good witch.

TGW: the bad witches look old and ugly.

Dorothy: so…ummm…what are you trying to say?

Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison

I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.

I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.

Boss: you look a bit lost

Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you

Boss: About what

Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening

5 ways I am superior to a horse:

1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM

I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.

[Whoville]

Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks

Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess

Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit

Me: Seems harsh

Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him

Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying

Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.

if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?

Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social

*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*

*narrows eyes*

You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs

Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.

Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.

If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher

I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.

It’s literally my first instinct.

I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…

Ground up and in the freezer

Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.

*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch

[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”

Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back

Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber

Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.

when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory

People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time

School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?

Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…

Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind

Six months into the marriage Cinderella began finding stray glass slippers.

The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.

11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.

Me: That just means they’ll come inside.

11: No furnace this year.