“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
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Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
Vaping must feel incredible, because NOBODY thinks it looks cool.
I’m still waiting for the day my parents will say, “It’s all fake, we are millionaires, this was just to teach you to be humble”.
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]