“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
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Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
Gonna tell my dentist that if I’m late, he should start without me.
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.