“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
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a gay boyfriend is kinda like a brother you have sex with
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
Matt Goss
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
I hate how people pile on chiropractors just because they’re fake and dangerous
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
🤣🤣🤣
