Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?

Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.

THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.

ME: What’s the grass situation?

It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.

9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”

What month is it? Why is summer so long?

I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.

Welcome to your 50’s.

I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.

Happy Halloween!

My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.

I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.

Me: I could survive in the wild.

Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.

Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.

In the past, people had to eat lawn clippings and drink boiling water separately. The invention of tea bags was a big time saver.

Me, with $33 left after paying bills: Let’s see how much a Land Rover costs

WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait

I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?

For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.

Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.

Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??

Me: School starts in a few days.

7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.

I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.

People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations

He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.

I sat back and watched it all unfold.

The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.

Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.

5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.

I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.

It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.

Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.

my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her

A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”

A wise man once told me,

“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”

I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.

How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?

[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency

My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.