Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.

due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds

I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.

I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.

I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.

😭😭😭

Me: what is my final challenge

*dragon appears*

Me: oh no

Dragon: spell necessary

Me: OH NO

Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to life

Me: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.

Genie: There are four rules…

Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.

Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake

[putting away groceries]

I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago

USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?

me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead

if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.

I removed my birthday from Facebook, and now I keep fooling people randomly by saying that it’s my birthday today.

I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.

Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.

Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.

6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.

Thanks 2020!!!

Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour

YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads

My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.

“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook

[my husband turning onto our street]

“know what I think?”

husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.

“we’ve been down this road before”

❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away

*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!

15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.

How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!

Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?

Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.

When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.

All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.

Me: it’s time to go to sleep

3: Nope, I don’t think so

Me: who asked you?!

Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.