You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
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[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
[montage of me giving-up]
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
Why are Facebook divorce announcements always like “it is with great sadness we have decided to end our journey together to take our own paths” and not “I can’t stand Cody anymore” or “We can no longer tolerate being in the same room any longer”?
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
My dating checklist is down to “not the Unabomber”
Nothing is hungrier than a Roomba that sees a charger cord.