You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
You Might Also Like
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
Eating Taco Bell shouldn’t count for calories because it’s not around long enough
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*