Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.

“Wow,” she says.

RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts

In marriage, there are two conversations:

The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.

“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office

WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead

ME: where’d you see that?

W: Facebook

M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax

W: no Facebook is real

Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected

Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.

Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.

My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.

Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.

another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog

professor x: what’s ur superpower

me: hindsight

professor x: that won’t help us

me: yes I see that now

Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.

i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not

Today, I want to talk about underperforming continents. Antarctica, explain yourself.

My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.

Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.

Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.

Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..

And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.

Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?

How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?

Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.

[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.

“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”

Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter

“You gotta be kidding me”

I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid

#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!

MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit

FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years

Me when people tell me secrets I already knew