Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”

I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.

A drone was spying on us in the yard this morning, so I did what I needed to to protect my family… finished shovelling the snow with no pants on so it left right away

Him: I’m drowning in bills

Me: You should sign up for paperless

Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give

We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter

I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.

Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.

[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys

EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:

We hear a single piano key play.

A shot of a basketball court at dusk.

Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”

A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.

After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.

I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.

My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.

What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”

Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*

Toddler: *crashes the stock market*

“I’m still a virgin”

-theres plenty of fish in the sea

“Ur right. I’ll find someone”

-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman

My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.

“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays

Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.

I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.

The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.

Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.

7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*

I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.

fun fact: originally, Greece was just a bunch of separate countries that were each named Grooce.

*finds $20 in the dryer*

*adds money launderer to my resumé*

I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel

*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*

Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?

Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink

Me: I drink it while I watch sports.

The mayor of Toronto wants us to return to in-person work to help cut down on crime in the city but unless most of us are employed as Batman I’m not sure the plan will unfold as she expects