You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
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*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
If you’re asked, “What’s your biggest weakness” in a job interview, just be honest and say carbs.
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
my six year old just made this bumper sticker for me
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
