Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We need a ride home.

“I called a Gruber”

Don’t you mean an Uber?

[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]

Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?

Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?

Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-

[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER

Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!

*blam!*

And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.

When life hands you 3 kids…..

You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.

Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive

For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective

Wife: What do you think our song is?

Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.

Wife: Idiot…

Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”

Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.

Instead of “Take Your Child To Work Day” there should be a “Take Your Therapist To Work Day” so they can see exactly what you’ve been talking about

My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.

It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”

Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog

“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”

– if people were named like pets

My favorite fruit salad is sangria.

How can you call yourself a pervert?

I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.

I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.

🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶

Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING

Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.

Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.

cheers erupt as woman cuts into perfectly ripe avocado

if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats

After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.

Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom

the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me

I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”

For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count

Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”

[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face

If I die my ghost better come back and do some laundry so I have some clean sheets to wear